The moon

I scream, I plead, I yell at everything around me because it burns me. I damn all that I see because it is hideous and grotesque, because it fills me with rage and pain, because it growls and tears at me with a never ending hell of a voice. And as it reverberates in my ears it amplifies a thousand fold over and over until I can not endure the sound of it and drunk myself with cries and wine just to stop that hideous thing. What is it? It is simply my own cries for you, for all that I did to you and all that you did to me.
I roam the streets of my town in the dead of night almost every night. I could not help it, the cold, the loneliness, the emptiness, the chills and shivers going through me, the fog that drowns everything in its grip and that moon. That horrible, gluttonous, empty, dull and scared moon just can not leave me alone. It is as if she wants me there, up there with her so we can be together, so that maybe we would not feel so abandoned and alone. But she looks so cruel, so vicious and disgusting I can not stand looking at her, but at the same time I can not stop my gaze from falling to that strange little bright orbit in the dark and scary sky.
Tonight again I ventured out into the darkness and I searched for the moon. Alas, she was hiding behind the cold, threatening clouds and the grim fog that had fallen over the city. I wanted to talk with that strange being, to soothe my soul when I look at her and see that I am not alone. To know that as with the moon and the sun, I too can only watch from a distance the one I love, but never to be able to be with him, never to touch him, never to blind him as he does me. I like talking to the moon, I leave her to guide me, I love seeing her shimmer trough the trees and clouds and letting her choose the path in lieu of me.
I wanted to get out, to leave this place of stupidity and humiliation that I had brought to myself, I do not know if it was intentional or not, and vanish in the fog. I was ashamed of myself and all the things I have said and done, I was scared and angry at the same time. I wanted to bash my head in the wall and cry myself until everything lost its meaning. I wanted to see someone, but I knew I drove him away. I drove him away because I was stupid and egocentric. Why do people always hurt the ones they love? Is it some sort of fate, a nasty little game that is played by those tyrannical stars up above? Or is it simply our nature, our craving and stupidity to pres until everything shatters? I do not know the nature of others, and then who gives me the right to say such things. Is it my cravings to destroy everything I want and love just because I can not comprehend that it is enough? There is no faith in this world; there is no high and mighty god or a revolting and monstrous devil. There is no Lucifer and no Adam Kadamon.
On such nights I want to follow the moon, just go with her to wherever she may take me. Such a wonderful night it is. Tonight some of you are in bed with your loved ones, some of you drink to forget them, some of you do not think about anything, some of you are hurt, some of you are happy, some of you are lonely and some of you, but I hope that it is not so, are just like me. Again you have done something ghastly and unforgivable; again you have disobeyed your own vows and promises not to do it but you did. Oh, yes you have your reasons. My god, if you would only truly exist, I had my pathetic reasons to do it, but it does not justify the thing I have done, right? No. It does not.
Words are meaningless now, actions are meaningless. I thought I had a chance when it was plainly known that I had none. But did that stop me from pushing even more? No, of course not. I shut the door right in front of me; just like that I hit it with all I got and slam it shut. I chose the opposite way on the crossroad. And now I have to bear the consequences of my decisions.
Everything is futile, let it all burn to ashes and dust, let me burn to the ground and melt in my own bubbling blood and gore, and then…then just let the new wind blow and make all of me disappear.