In a state of grace

Caught in its strong grip I simply cannot escape, even though at times I really wanted to find a way to brake from that horrible and wonderful spell. Its tentacles are intertwined with my soul, its jaws are pressing to my heart making it bleed,its teeth slicing through my flesh bringing to it pain, a sort of grim satisfaction that they are there and the strange but palpable feeling of happiness and love.
And even though it kills me, even though it hurts and beats me, even though all the pain I suffered because of it invading my life, heart and soul, now I see that a part of me is actually holding tight to it too. It is as if I want to be burn by it. Why, you would probably ask, why do I want to suffer when I still possess some control over my shattered mind ? I do not know. It is maybe because I love it, I adore to know that it is there, to feel its cold chills running through my veins and shiver in delight. Or maybe I am simply jealous that I am going to lose it, that very soon I will turn to a dim remembered memory. My God, how that frightens me.
As I am falling down to the ground, I simply want to look at you and see that you are looking back at me. And even though it is pure and simple madness of a girl, even thought we are going to crash into the horrible and monstrous ground below us I know we will be better off then the others, because we will be two souls in unison. And I simply cannot  forgive myself for feeling this way,
 but also I cannot forgive myself if I let it go.