I cannot deny that I wanted this moment to come, when I would be able to have you near me even if it is going to be for a second I figured it would bring me only happiness. Not this chill in my heart, not this shame and pain. What was I hoping for? Forgiveness, some sort of reunion? A glimmer of hope that not all is lost. But your voice did not come in that lovely tone, but as on the wings of a storm, my body ached and my eyes shut tight, I could have died at that very moment. I felt my spirit shatter caught in a frozen orb of despair and loneliness. For so long I lay thinking for hours on end what would I say, how you would respond to my voice, to my words? Millions of scenes past in my head as if on film but never had I thought it could be like this, or rather never did I wanted it to be like this. The pang in my heart when I understood how meaningless my presence would be now in your life was so unbearable I could not help myself but to end it there and then. Thinking only of you, seeing that I cannot bring anything good to you, I tore all the bindings, and I cut all the strings. I wish someday I could see you again, but I doubt that you would be as I imagine you. Maybe then I would not even be able to recognize you or for that matter maybe you will not be able to remember me. Even if this happens I still will be looking for that smile, for that shine in your eyes, to know that you are well. That horrible illusion hope still clings to me and although I am scared even to look you strait in the face I will always see you next to me.
And in this moment I feel that if I stay anymore in this stalemate I would die I must turn away from you, from my memories, from my past, feelings and start walking slowly to my future, otherwise it may never come to me. But there will always be a place in my heart that would forever be for you.
Архив
