Lonely

   Another silent night. I can see the stars in the dark and dreadful sky. I can hear the soothing music from the stereo. The glass is nice and cold as I take a sip from it and feel the warmth that overcomes me. There is the sweet, sweet smell coming from the lighted incense stick. The fume from it interlaces with the bitter smoke from my cigar and creates strange and beautiful forms in the air. I can sense something coursing through me, a very faint, but palpable mellowness inside me. My distressed thoughts evaporate in the dulcet fragrance all around me and give me peace. Another sip and another intoxicating wave of warmth overwhelms me. Finally I feel free, I feel translucent. There is no pain, there are no fears. There is no anger and there are no tears. I have in some way forgiven myself all the things I have done in the past, I have thought about all the things that happened to me and changed me. In this brief tranquility I feel calm. I know that it shall not be long before the dawn brakes and when that time comes this mirage will disappear forever. But there is still time. Still some little time left for my soul.
   I will never have you back the way I had you. You will never be the same again. Damn. I am damned. By my own actions. I will miss you. But there is no way to change anything from the past. Only the present exists. There are so wonderful memories. I do not want to forget them. I will not.
   The glass is empty, so I fill it again with my favorite drink. I can feel my heartbeat slowing, my blood warmer. It is as if I am in another place, in another world. Everything melts before my eyes. Now there are only sensations, an enchanting scent, and a blanket of emollient darkness. And that music. I can barely hear it, but I feel it as if it is a person holding me. It reverberates in my soul, soothing it, comforting it, keeping it alive and at the same time drowsy. I want to stay in this perfect state forever.
   But time lives in another world altogether. It does not care for us; it does not wait for us. Here. I can see the first thread of sunlight. Forcefully I return to the place I fear, to the pain that want to clench it’s fist around my heart until it bursts.

      “Never knew that love could hurt like this. Makes me feel so sad and hurt inside. Feel embarrassed so I want to hide”